when desire is not enough

Today I stood in the middle of my life and began to thoroughly take stock, as if leaving on a life-long expedition that I may or may not return from. Pondering what was dispensable and what was worth keeping, it began to dawn on me that while every present moment is the culmination of the seconds previously lived – stretching back into an irreversibly finite tract of time – the future is fluid, precarious, and uncertain, its degree of happiness and fulfillment wholly predicated on decisions made today.

I have come to terms with the irrefutable fact that my life will never be ‘settled’ in the eyes of others. I will never marry and raise children. With a lifetime relationship dedicated to one person comes compromises that I am unwilling to make, and I am at peace with that decision. My desires lie outside of the ordinary – but they are not enough. To climb the mountains of the world takes years of skill and practiced patience, coupled with raw intuition and learned behaviour. It also takes time and money – neither of which I have in sufficient amount to realize the fullest extent of my most ambitious dreams. And so it starts small – short excursions to local treasures when the weather allows, short sessions on the climbing wall between classes, and the constant challenge of carving out small niches of time during this chosen career.

My desire to climb will not make it so, but fortifying that desire with the tangible results of the little things done every day in pursuit of that goal will be my strongest asset. It’s not about conquest or a picture atop a summit – it’s about the journey taken in getting there.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “when desire is not enough

  1. i have a dog. i won’t commit to more than that. i, too, am at peace… my adventures are my own, shared briefly with others heading out on their own adventures. not really alone. the state of companionship can be just as fluid as the adventures!

  2. G Eagle Esq

    The Lady Little-Fish

    My Lady

    Vale [Alles Gute … Bonjour]

    All the Best in your Coming Adventures

    … which we (and all your many BloggosVeric friends) will be anticipating avec grand plaisir (j’espere que ça est peut-être francais)

    Do not despise the Snake
    Who knows
    She may grow into a Dragon

    which translated means :

    “Where Eagles dare”

    Salve [Ciao]

    I have the honour to remain your Ladyship’s obedient servant etc

    G Eagle

  3. oh daisyfae, i completely agree! i, too, have to d-o-g commitment, and there are times when i find even that too much. long live the adventures!

  4. Go Girl! I spent far too long (about 50 years) living up to other peoples expectations. The decision I made, in one blinding flash of an instant, to live my own life was the second best thing ever to happen to me.

    • that one flash is quite possibly the best. feeling. ever. although when i think back to life before the conscious decision to live my life for myself, i’m always a little surprised that it took so damn long.

      but here’s to no regrets, and moving forward!

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